When friends become difficult

So,on the personal side, I was in a strange situation last week.

G has been a good friend of mine for more than 6 years now. Being in the same profession made our friendship grow stronger. He was in a better position then and still is, if one looks at the financial side of things. He left for the UK 4-5 years back and has settled down with his wife in one of the bigger cities in the UK. I continued to build my career before coming here.

He has helped me and Aj many times and I will remain ever grateful to him for that. But, his life choices and mine just don't match. I have always opted for the 'other' route and he, for the regular.He doesn't have too many friends and regards me and Aj as his close friends. We have a healthy respect for each other. He went through a rough time initially when he came here and, took some really bad decisions before he left India. He has never really gotten around to coming to terms with them and his feelings (regarding those decisions). My attempts at trying to help him to discuss them has been met with a sense of resignation to his 'fate'.

However, my repeated encouragement to do something more at work than just the regular stuff has worked. He is now slowly making his mark in the academic world. It is in relation to this that he comes to London regularly and stays over with us. But, a vague sense of gloom persists when he is around. His visits here, and ours to his home have a pattern. We talk about common friends, families, money and...that's it. There is a lot of drinking, and G drinks a lot when he is with us. With increasing blood alcohol levels, he starts expressing his distress (mainly about his past and how that will ALWAYS have a bearing on his present).Till a year back I was able to empathise with the man but now,I am unable to.

Why? Because I have over the years, worked on getting out of the bad habit I had of ruminating over issues which really did'nt have any easy answers. Things may be bad but I felt I made it worse by worrying too much about it. I learnt to divert my attention to other constructive activities and waited for the situation to change. Sometimes, just allowing time to pass had a calming effect. I shared all this with G. But,to no effect. He has always told me that he will continue to feel the way he does because he can't do anything about it.

To add to this ,last week he started playing the guilt-trip game with me and Aj. He said we were becoming 'too busy' to spend time with him , that we were not going to his place anymore, that we were so lucky to be staying where we are currently, that we seem to be having the time of our lives , and how if he had better chances early in his career here he would have probably been in a similar situation as us. For a while I was taken aback - he was implying that I was not making an extra effort and worse still, I could not avoid sensing the subtle hint of jealousy. He knows we are not in a fantastic situation financially, that I am in a very hectic course and that both of us have deadlines to meet with regard to our exams. G himself always goes into hibernation when he has major deadlines to meet. So,why was he behaving like this?

Coming from a guy who is in his 30s, I find it slightly immature. But, I am his friend and as much as the rules of friendship binds us to lend a shoulder to cry on, it also binds us to tell our friends that they maybe wrong in the way they are thinking/behaving/feeling. So rather than protect him by adjusting to his moods, I think the time has come for me to tell him facts as to why I am busy,and,if he tries to give me another 'you are so busy' line, to tell him that I can't do anything about it.

He is a good friend and I hope he comes around. But, I think what makes me sad is that, the sheer differences in the choices we have made(and are continuing to make)for our future, may mean that our friendship will eventually become a superficial one - where we will keep in touch just for old times sake.

Sometimes I guess, people change but life has to go on.