I realized that as I started going regularly to the gym, I was beginning to get more comfortable with my nudity, in front of other women. I decided to take a graded approach to the whole locker room phase of my outing. A sort of increasing the 'dose-of-medicine-slowly' policy- waiting to see if there were any side effects. So, I decided to experiment with semi-nudity first -had something on the top, a teeny bit on the bottom and walked off to the shower. Phew! So far, I was alright. The next time I decided to just wrap the towel around myself. I could walk into the sauna this way and just sweat and then run off to the showers. Hmmm…..this was not so bad. Meanwhile, in my mind's eye, other women /girls around me seemed retreat into the background. I still haven't reached the stage where I can just throw my clothes and walk stark naked to the shower and probably never will.

I began to wonder was it something to do with the way women viewed their bodies? I remember working girls dealing with the extreme end of the spectrum- those with eating disorders. It took me awhile to understand the complex nature of the relationship women have with their own bodies and they way they negotiate this with the world around them. Add culture- both popular and the one with which women deal with at home- to this mix and you have a real mystery on your hands. One, which even women, can't grapple with entirely.

I remember how for a long time, I would become 'modern', which meant 'not-a-nice-girl' if I wore a sleeveless top. Wearing those near-shapeless churidaars and jeans with t-shirts took away all this years when I could have, technically, dressed up and felt like a femme fatale!! All this because neither my mother nor aunts were comfortable to see me dress like a 'modern' girl. Sigh. I am not mad at them because I realize that the probably lived a different cultural milieu than I did. Now, my mom, (who stopped wearing pants about 25 years ago – I have hazy memories of her wearing a beige bell bottom pants on one of our days out- she used to when my dad was alive) finally feels she can step out of wearing only sarees and wear pretty churidaars because her daughters wear spaghetti straps and are respected by the men in their lives. One day maybe my mommy will wear pants or jeans :)