Identity 2: Good Indian Vs. Bad Indian (Part I)

Indians have an opinion. Of course everyone has an opinion. But we lot, have the distinction of having an opinion plus being judgmental plus do this with a sense of self-righteousness. I come from the same tribe and I have to say that over the last few months have realized that having an opinion – the Indian way- is pretty irritating at times. It has also made me wonder how irritating I must have been before I got this insight :)

In the virtual space/blogosphere a dominant theme among Indian bloggers is the debate of whether Indians in India need the support/help/contribution etc from Indians living outside India (also known as Non-Resident Indians –NRIs). I have read numerous posts and the comments these posts have generated convince me that there is a unique Indian way of having an opinion. Those who live away seem to interpret things in a way that is furiously refuted by those who live in India and visa versa. The world has shrunk and people with continue to move in and out of the country and, debates shouldn’t lead to stand offs or name calling but…maybe I am wrong. Let me get on to my personal story with this debate.

Now during these last few months I have had to process where I fit in – I was away from India and therefore I am a NRI. But since it is not yet 2 years since I have left home I feel very Indian. I don’t feel English in any way, but I feel like a Londoner. That is full credit to London, a city that doesn’t allow, 'not liking it' as an option. You don’t have to be British to be a Londoner. That’s London. So when I am in India I feel like I am home and when I am at home in London, I feel like I am at home. Jhumpa Lahiri recently said, ‘ an immigrant’s life is one of deprivation and departures’ (thanks to Uma for the link). How true. I feel awful when I leave Bangalore but don’t feel sad when I reach London. I am beginning to feel comfortable in both places. Now does that make me less of an Indian? Hmmm…that ‘s tough. I have a sense of nationalistic pride within me. I do love my country and I see it flaws. Some I can’t do anything about, some I can. I have to choose my battles.

But the good Indian vs. bad Indian has two aspects to it. Firstly at the global level (whether you are in India or not) and secondly, at a local level (when you interact with Indians outside India). I will deal with the first aspect. I have heard questions like - why don’t you work in India? /you know we need doctors/ there are no doctors in rural India. I agree completely. India needs doctors. But can I work in rural India? I can’t do it full time.

Maybe I should digress here a little bit. I studied and worked in rural Karnataka for 6 years. It wasn’t fun- at all. I enjoyed seeing poor patients and learning to make diagnosis with my hands and stethoscope. The only investigations I could do – X-rays, fasting blood sugar and urine sugar, in case of emergency we could order blood electrolytes. When I look back I am amazed at how we managed to do so much with so little. When I went back to my hostel I had food from the mess, which had insects in it many times, I used toilets, which were clogged (I gag when I think of it even now- we used to joke ‘hey look at the bright side –no need to flush!’), I went to a room which was outside an open drain (the stench used to be unbearable many times) and I tried to sleep when men (yes, they were studying medicine just like me) used to come outside the girl’s hostel, pitch drunk, hoot and shout names and throw stones at our windows! Yes, this was how our medical college was which was run by the State, where only best students, the people who got the top ranks in the entrance exam ( from the State) went. There was no one we girls could complain to. If we did complain we were told how , 'we should adjust', 'how boys would be boys'. The only happy memories I have are treating patients. They were from the poorest districts of the state and treating them was a joy. But I craved for a clean toilet, for regular water, decent food and a good night’s sleep. I felt violated constantly – as a woman, as a doctor, as a human being. India may need doctors in rural India but I can’t work full time in rural India. Can work part-time, because I know 'just a little, makes a helluva diffrence',but, how that is going to happen I don't know.

So, I finished my studies and came to the city. Bangalore. I felt human again. I think I was so drained out in the town that I didn’t care what salary I got to work in the city. But now when I think of it I get very pissed off. I made 2,500 rupees per month for working like a dog –or should I say bitch- for 3 years. People said hey you are getting your MD. Your cousins are making 25-30,000 rupees as starting salary and you console yourself and say, ‘every dog has its day’. But, that day never really came. I became junior faculty and my salary was 10,000 rupees. I was 28 years old and was making 10,000 rupees. My cousins had got their promotions and were making money that was obscene. When I complained I was told, ‘ but you are a doctor maaa, you know doctors are the most respected in India/ can’t but respect etc’. But I was still living with my mom because I couldn’t afford to live on my own. Aj and I couldn’t get married. Why? You got it – not enough money to live independently. It may sound shocking but it was reality. Things finally changed when I left the hospital and went to worked elsewhere. That’s a different story.

When I was in India recently I met a Professor who taught me psychiatry. He looked tired and frustrated. We ended up chatting and he asked me what my plans were. When I told him I was planning to come back and work in India he said, ‘Why do you want to come back? Do you know the starting salary has gone up by 2000 rupees only? Plus, why don’t you get some extra skills and come back on your terms? Don’t just come back thinking you are going to save someone. Do you know an average software professional earns more than me’? I was totally taken aback. I like this guy a lot and for a moment I was angry with the government who has allowed the IT industry to grow at the cost of other sectors such as health. But that issue is for another post, another rant. I felt very dejected after I saw him.

So when people who ask questions like – ‘so, what, are you planning to come back to India?’ I want to say, ‘when it suits me’, but I just smile and say, ‘why do you ask?’ I am sure many of those people I spoke to in this manner probably thought I was being a absolutely arrogant. But, I am just tired of having conversations related to coming back to India.

Part II- coming up soon....meanwhile some more pics from India trip up here.